I just don't know anymore. It's like I'm being pulled in all different directions. Everyone expects me to be a certain way and it's hard.
I'm a victim of everyones mood. I'm a victim of my own moods. Sometimes too much is expected of me, I think. some people just need to remember that I'm nineteen years old. I don't have everything figured out. I don't know what tomorrow's gonna be. Tomorrow I just may wake up and not love him. I don't know. I do know that I don't want anything that great right now. But who knows and we'll see right? I miss everyone. Love ya Brat.
Feeling of the Moment: It's hard to say what I see in you... I've become very disenchanted with life. Things are just changing so much lately. I never thought the day would come when I could walk away from that one guy. But he doesn't care. He won't be my friend. I've tried too many times and it's not worth it anymore. It's not fair the way things are. He talks about how that boy doesn't treat me right but the truth is he doesn't treat me much better. Atleast the boy never really hurt my feelings. He's always been sweet. So there is not much I can do anymore. In the end I know it's not my fault. I've already given too much of my myself to him. And I do regret everything that went on between us.
Now that boy. I just wish one day he'd open his eyes and realize what he's missing. But he just doesn't get it. At this point I don't think he ever will. But the truth is I don't need him. I just too often convince myself that he's my happiness. He's not. And no one should ever be the reason I'm happy.
Feeling of the Moment:What Would You Do If I Followed You
Let's see. The easter bunny came to visit me. I must have been a good girl at some point of this year. Who knows. I spoke to that boy today. He was in a definite weird mood and a definite rare form for him. Somewhat pleasant but still his usual humor.
I'm sorta not looking foward to work tomorrow. I've gota sore throat and would rather curl up in my bed with the shades shut and the pillow over my head. But realistically thats just not gonna happen. Life isn't that easy. Err.
Feeling of the Moment: This Is The Story Of A Girl Who Cried A River And Drown The Whole World
Hmm...I don't know where to begin. My whole life is sort of up in the air. I'm not exactly content with my life. It's one of those things that I don't know how to fix. I miss the way things used to me. I miss running into class and saying...OH MY GOD Tammy...guess what. I miss her. I miss a lot things. Most of all I miss myself.
Everyone needs to realize that I am human. My feelings do get hurt. And I do have the power to hurt others. I'm sorry if I what I said hurt but,it has to be realized that my feelings do get hurt when you walk away and don't speak to me for weeks. I feel lost...like I'm not worthy. Perhaps what I wrote was out of context and all I can do is apologize. I do love you. MY BRAT!..YOU KNOW I LOVE YA!
Feeling of the Moment: And If I Should Try Would You Catch Me If I Fall
I refuse to let myself change for him. Nothing in the world is going to make that boy like me. Not being nice. Not catering to his needs. I can't be his victim anymore. I don't love him the way I did. He hurt me too much. With the things he never says and the things he never does.
At this point I really could careless about Kevin and Anthony. Im not going to be someone Im not. If you dont want to be my friend then don't. I dont need ya.
Things at work are getting worse with that girl. I may have to kill her.
Feeling of the Moment: Pardon Me While I Burst
I don't know that I'm okay. I try to think I am. But, tomorrow I'm supposed to go back to school and I can think of a thousand other places I'd rather be. I'll probably just go to the doctor in the morning. I haven't exactly felt well since Jason was sick all those weeks ago.
I'm really not looking foward to work. Does anyone realize what tomorrows going to be? I'm going to bit my tongue as best as possible.
What's with me and Lauren? I guess I'm not as good as Stephanie is or something. Oh well Life Does Go On.
I'm trying to take Josh's advice about trying to find my own happiness without that boy. He's not worth all the tears I've shed over him.
C'est La Vie.
Feeling of the Moment: Theres a smile in my heart I've waited my whole life for
I decided several days ago that I could no longer let him have a hold on my life. For so long I actually believed that my happiness depended on being with him. It was silly and naive. Because he never actually made me happy, mostly just hurt me. So I'm at the point where I don't need to know him.
For now I'm learning that I can't let people who hurt me in my life. So basically it means losing two people that I let be a big part of my life. They just too often but themselves first, very selfish and too hurtful. He thinks he can say things and I'm made out of stone and they don't hurt. But more often than not it does hurt.
I'm so tired. I need to catch up on major sleep. Laterz
Feeling of the Moment: "Some people can't believe in themselves, until someone else believes in them first"
I've decided that for now, it's time for me to move on from him. As much as I do love him, it isnt right.
He's got this thing about him. He's like nice to me when he's lonely. But ya know what, I don't need that anymore. I don't want that anymore. Ya know some people would be happy to spend time with me.
I sorta just wish everyone would disappear. I hate everyone lately. Bill just wont stay away from me. It's so annoying. GRR
Feeling of the Moment: Sometimes I wonder what you think of me.. or if you do at all.
Angelo James born February 10, 2000 at 1:14 AM 7 pounds 9 ounces and 21" long. So very cute.
Grr..I'm in a foul mood today. I just really sorta wanna be left alone. Everyone is such dicks. Can't stand it.
Feeling of the Moment: If nothing is special, then everything can be
I often wonder if maybe perhaps maybe I think that if I pretend I'm not looking that suddenly everything I want will fall into my lap. Granted things are getting better with him. Or maybe not getting better with him but rather for him. For the first times in almost seven months he's laughing. And he's not so distant when we lie in bed and watch tv. Ya know...if he can be happy then I want him to be whether it includes me or not. Because after seeing him cry all those times it's really great to hear his laughter. Who know's maybe it's Courtney or Rachel or whomever...or maybe it's him. I dont know
Feeling of the Moment: Life in a Nutshell
"I can see that you have gone back to living your life the way you want to live it. But how come I cannot seem to get back to living my life the way I want to live it? How come you still seem to be such a big part of my life, and I seem to have no bearing on yours whatsoever? I knew this was a one sided relationship, but everything you do seems to make the pain of that one-sidedness so much worse. Why can't you just see beyond your nose and notice that you may lose one of the best things you haven't had yet?"
Feeling of the Moment: His body keeps me warm...I'm Happy here
I needed to hear that he cared. I need even more for him to need me. I don't know why after six months of this I'm still here wishing he'd feel for me what he felt for her. Everyday I wonder why she did what she did to him. Didn't she realize it was cruel and unkind and hurt him and would scar him? I want him to be okay. Probably more than I want it for myself. And I guess I'm almost or maybe I'm at the point of love with him. If he found someone and was happy I'd let him go. I want that for him. He promised me I could come over this week. I can't wait....I miss being with him. It's weird I'd give up everything just to lay next to him and rub his back....Isn't that sad?
I've got so much work due this week. It's sucks but I'll get through it. I hope :-) Is that a hint of optimism?
Feeling of the Moment: Life Could Be Better By Being Together
Tonight was sorta awesome. For the first time he admitted to me that he cares. And he knew we've known each other for six months. And he reads me well. I think I can deal with this now.
I really think I wanna be with him. So I guess I need to wait it out and see what happens. I gotta listen to my heart because if I don't I might miss out on this really great guy.
Schools alright. It'll all get better soon :-)
Feeling of the Moment: If I had a gun There'd be no tomorrow
There are two schools of thought here. While things are going great with Jason to an extent. We are getting along pretty well lately. I miss him a lot. Things seem to be okay with school so far. I dont know honestly. I guess we will see. The whole thing with "Dad" sucks. I hate this. It makes me feel so incredibly selfish. He's trying to live and I'm wishing I would die.
I've been pretty sick for a couple of months now. I'm going to the doctor on thursday and hopefully it's no big deal. but whatever I guess.
Work is crazy.
Right now I wish I could be laying in bed next to Jason...What do u think my chances are??
BTW..Bill gave me an awesome quote book...now if only we could stop fighting!
Feeling of the Moment: Only Cowards Stay While Traitors Run
Urg. I don't know. Ya know...I look at my life everyday and I wonder if it will always be this way. I'm beginning to think I should just learn to be content with what I have and not expect it to improve.
Next week I start school and perhaps things will be different this semester. I doubt it. I'm just so eh about life. I could take everything and leave it. Nothing matters to me at all. And everyones got this idea that I could somehow make it perfect if I flipped some magic switch. Do you think I wanna be this way? Do you think I like being lonely? Do you think I like crying everyday and wishing I would just vanish?
Feeling of the Moment:Would You Catch me if I Fall? Once again, I have failed to keep an active online journal. Basically just hiding away from everyone. It was a long summer to say the least. I met some totally awesome people. Like Kevin and Anthony. And I'll even admit even DC. Though he hasnt treated me kindly.
This summer I learned a lot about myself. But I still don't think I'm to the point where anyone really really knows me. I even learned not to be soooo negative. Even once in awhile I don't complain or have a smart ass remark. Even i do make one...all you have to do is kiss me to shut me up ;-) Oddly enough...some guys think PJ's are sexy. :-)~~
Feeling of the Moment: The time I spent with you, yeah maybe it was short but never will I ever forget it. Ever.
I finally graduated. GOODBYE MHS!! I shall never have to walk those suffocating halls again.
I got some very nice things for graduation. My parents gave me money and my grandparents gave me money and a very nice necklace :-) That night I met this guy Anthony from AOL. Really sweet...really nice...really cute. But less than a week later he pushed me away. And i can't help but think that maybe he's pushing me away for other reasons. I guess once you believer you're no good...that idea is never far away.
I just wish life were simple..okay I don't wish that. But I wish that for once I wouldn't lose someone because of a technicality. Don't see me as someone special. I want you to be my friend.
Continuing on...Working like crazy soon. Gonna see Melli soon.
LIFE GOES ON...or SO THEY TELL ME Feeling of the Moment: Happiness is...anyone and anything at all that's loved by you :-)
Oh life can be so silly sometimes. One year ago the awesome foursome was in full force and now we barely talk. BUT, I'll never ever forget the times we had doing absolutely nothing. We were always good for that.
I had another little shopping spree yesterday. I bought...well my mommy bought me two dresses, shoes, 4 t-shirts, and a pair of earrings. And maybe I'm not done yet. hehe :-)
ANYWAY, I saw Austin Powers. Funny as hell :-) Went with Lauren, this guy Shaun and JP...JD...JC...I don't know what his name was really. Then last night Shaun came over and molested Lauren...and put his feet up on my furniture. Then I went nuts...but it's okay. I'm relaxed now.
Later that night we went to see Kevin. Have I told u how much i like this guy...and how much he doesnt seem to realize it. But that's okay...There is always tomorrow.
Graduation is sunday :-)
If I had a million dollars.....I'd be Rich :-)
I started this webpage over a year and a half ago. Sometimes it was the most important thing to me and other times it appeared as though I had fallen off the fact of the earth. And Today as I stand before you I don't really know what this is going to be. I removed my archives because the person who wrote what the consisted of no longer exists and whether this is good or bad I still do not know.
So much of my life has changed in a year. I'm eighteen now and in about 10 days I'll have graduated high school. So much of my experiences have made me who I am today. I've travelled and been hurt. I found three best friends and learned you only need one to count on. I got a car and I'm going to start college in september. I work. I smile. I laugh.
I AM ALIVE
Maybe this isn't the path I would have liked to have walked down. There are parts of the old Jessica that are still around. And perhaps that is a good thing.
Ya see what happened was I met this boy and that's exactly what he was...a boy. And for whatever reason he decided to step into my life and he opened my eyes. Then he took my heart and ripped it out but thats not the most important thing. The most important thing is that he got me to open my eyes to see things the way they really are so maybe they aren't so distorted anymore. And maybe I hate him now but part of me still says it was worth it. The only bad thing is that the little bit of the old Jessica that's left over peaks through once in awhile. The part where I give people the power. He could have the power...to quote myself, "and sometimes when i walk through this curse of life i realize the power he has over me. and that power exists because sometimes i believe it is stronger than my own. He has power because I let him."
Feeling of The Moment: This is The Way It's Going To Be
The archives are now just a file sitting on my computer. Over a year and a half ago I started this
page. Today I looked back at what I wrote and quite frankly I scare myself. But now that my life is
changing I feel I need a clean slate. So now this is the way it's going to be< Home